by Rinata Paries
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine
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The first step is to understand that your partner would have given you the moon and the stars if he could. Even when he appeared to be holding back or hurting you on purpose, he was always doing the best he could. Understand that he never intentionally hurt you.
On the most basic level, humans function in survival mode. Those who feel their survival is threatened will respond accordingly. This is a subconscious behavior. Unless there is abuse, it is very rare that one's survival is threatened in a relationship. However, when you push your partner's buttons, he may go into survival mode and retaliate to protect himself. He may hurt you tremendously, and yet he is doing the best he can. Choosing healthy partners is in part choosing partners who have learned they don't need to be in survival mode in a relationship.
To let go of your past relationship, forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and understand that his behavior was not your fault. Understand that all of his behaviors comprise all of his person. Sometimes he was wonderful and sometimes he was horrible. And all of the time he was who he is. There is no way you could only have his good side. His bad side was hurtful. End of story. Let your ex off the hook.
Secondly, do something to honor and cherish the true connection between the two of you. In fact, you may need to honor that connection for a long time. There was a wonderful part of him, a loving and nurturing part. There was love for you, there may still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex.
How do you honor the connection to your ex? Honor your love and connection in prayer, in your heart, in your thoughts, and in your actions. Use the gift of the connection as an inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future partners. Send thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss him, send him love. In these ways you can still love him, while keeping your distance and protecting yourself from his hurtful behavior.
You may be hesitant to do the above. You may be afraid that it will make you go back into the relationship with your ex. But understand I am not saying your ex-partner will change and become more of what you wanted. Most likely, he will remainexactly how he is, at least as far as you are concerned.
The reason for honoring your connection is not to somehow bring your ex partner back. Instead, by honoring the good of the relationship, you become free of anger you feel towards him. By honoring the gifts he did give you, instead of focusing on what he did not give you, you will begin to feel peace and gratitude.
Over time, freeing yourself of anger at your ex will give you the ability to attract and create the extraordinary relationship you want, with someone else.
Your Relationship Coach,