by Rinata Paries
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine
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When your partner was at his best, he met all of your needs. He was the perfect fit for you. If he could be the way he was with you 100% of the time, rather then just a fraction of the time, you would be in the relationship still. The times he was everything you needed are hard to let go of. You have been looking for this kind of a match all of your life.
Here was a person who could meet your needs the way you have always wanted. You knew he/she could, because he had. But he wouldn't. You wanted to make him, to force him, to remind him, to talk him into it. You did everything possible to make him be the way you wanted 100% percent of the time. You probably asked him to go to therapy. You used all of the tricks in the book to evoke the behaviors you wanted.
Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserve better than just some fraction of what you wanted. But the attachment to your ex-partner lingers. It lingers because you never succeeded in making him or her fulfill your needs completely. It feels as if you failed. You feel that somehow not getting what you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough your ex-partner would give you the love you wanted, all of the time. After all, he did give it to you some of the time.
It is not easy to move onto another relationship after such an experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new. It is hard to belive you will have such love and passion with anyone else. At the same time, it is hard to trust that you will somehow avoid hurt the next time around.
One of the things that keeps you hooked into the oldrelationship is anger. Let's talk about the anger that arises when someone has something you want but won't give it to you. As far as you can see, it would be very simple for him. It may look like he is not doing what you want for no reason, just to be difficult, or to spite you. How do you feel in this kind of a situation? Most people would feel very angry, and justifiably so. But, anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way. Anger is one reason you may have difficulty letting go of your past relationship.
There is also another reason why it's hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With himr you truly had an incredible connection. Maybe he loved you intensely. He may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that he could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he acted hurtfully towards you.
It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And more difficult still when you interact with the wonderful, caring side of him. Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you ever do. Even when you walk away it may still pull at your heart. It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he doesn't care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone that dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone that is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if your partner is not willing to meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, you must let go completely of this past partner.
So, how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?
Read part two of this article to find out.
Your Relationship Coach,